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Monday, October 14, 2013

Romance Meets Life

Romance Meets Life

Another Woman Speaks Out - I Chose Not to Marry The Father of My Child Because He was Abusive

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 06:20 PM PDT


Dear Myne, thank you for sharing this Story and Tell Oma Thank You for having the courage to leave and Share her Story. I am currently a Single mum who chose not to marry the father of her child. The reason was because he had ALL these traces of a classic abusive man in this story Oma has shared.He was Emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive,the only reason I don't think he hit me was because we were apart thru most of our relationship.


Even though I got pregnant,I refused to marry him and till this day he tells me I'll regret it because his ego probably can't tolerate the fact that I said "No" but WTH,I'd rather be a single mum than be a dead wife. He seriously messed up my mind and Oma was right about the confusion, he made up so many lies and would tell them to anybody who would listen. He told me nobody would want me because "single girls never find husband finish,Is it After One like u that will find someone to marry"?

My self-confidence was shattered. And he always hammered on the fact that a wife is supposed to be submissive and he always told me when he finds somebody better than me to marry,I'll wish I'd been more submissive and thrown my pride away for me to make my "home" work. His possessiveness knows no bounds n he always used to tell me we'd move to the country he lives in and when we get married,I should not have friends because they lead you astray(especially single friends).

And the amazing part is that we were in a long distance relationship so he did this from Miles away! From another continent entirely. He would have his friends,family and strangers call and stalk me till I changed my number. I considered Killing myself soooo many times during my pregnancy and after childbirth. I was in shock and couldn't believe how I had gotten myself into such a mess. So many mornings I woke up thinking "I'm still alive, why didn't I die", that was how much torture I was in.

For a long time I couldn't bear to look at sharp objects or knives because I started getting ideas of what to do to myself with it. At first my family believed him whenever he reported me to them n fabricated lies against me because they knew I could be stubborn n because I kept quiet about his issues. But the moment they started seeing the signs and the things he was doing to me the few times he was around, they rallied round me and gave me all the protection I needed.

It is because I have a supportive family that I live to share a piece of my story. My child got me thru it too. And yes! Men like that are usually very handsome.

I blame our failed Society that has raised such useless abusive men who think they can get away with anything because they're men. And Let's not forget our mothers who support their sons in beating abusive because they stayed in an abusive marriage or the ones that ask their daughters to keep "enduring" an abusive marriage. Shame on them!

Couple Love - Beyonce and JayZ Take Time off their Tours For a Paris Dinner Date

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 03:15 PM PDT


Beyonce and JayZ are currently on tour in different parts of the world, Jay in London for his Magna Carter Holy Grail tour and Bey in New Zealand, still on her Mrs. Carter tour, but they made time to meet each other for a dinner date. Talk about dedication to their relationship in spite of work pressures, wow!



The couple went to the intimate La Petite Restaurant in Paris where they were photographed in matching denim outfits on Sunday.

Nadia Buari Tweets Her Dream Proposal - “What kind of wedding would u like?" He Asked

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 12:35 PM PDT


Nadia Buari must be a romantic. She just tweeted this conversation about weddings between a couple who truly love each other. A man asks his lady what kind of wedding she would love, and she throws the questions back at him. See their answers below.



Their answers are so cheesy, it made me smile. Some people want to know though, is she referring to BFF, Jim Iyke?

Holy Mallam and Wife Ijeoma on Being a Virgin on the Wedding Night and their Inter-ethnic Marriage

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 12:25 PM PDT


Comedian Holy Mallam, real names Ajibola Adebayo, and his wife, Ijeoma, share the story of their eight-year-old marriage in this interview with Punch. Ijeoma was a virgin on their wedding night and it took them three days to do the deed, through her leading. Isn't that interesting? Also, their marriage is inter-ethnic and they had some challenges in family planning. Read on...

How did you meet?

Ijeoma:   I had seen him perform before and I was impressed with his style of presentation. The day we met, he hosted a show organised by my friend.   When it was time for him to leave, he could not because someone was blocking his car.  During the brief period he waited to move his car, we got talking and he gave me his call card.  When I got home that night, I decided to call him since he did not have my number. I felt it would be nice to have a comedian as a friend.  This was in May 2004. We have been married for eight years.

Holy Mallam:    I was in a hurry to leave the venue of the show in order to go and see a lady I was interested in at the time.   When Ijeoma called me that night, I was in the lady's house. After her call and subsequent calls from me, we became friends and I eventually left the lady for her.

How did he propose?

Ijeoma: It was not spectacular, no ceremony. One day we were in the car and he said, 'if we should get married right now your children would be Yoruba.  After a week, he just came and thrust a ring into my hand and I just collected it. Unfortunately it was too big for my fingers and he had to return it to the shop.

Why did you leave that other lady?

Holy Mallam: I was still talking to her, trying to get her to agree for us to date but she was giving me too many conditions.  The process was taking too long.


When you met were you involved with another man?

Ijeoma: No. I was not

Were you a virgin at the time he met you?

Holy Mallam: She was.

Are you joking?

Holy Mallam: No. I am serious.   I had already told God that I wanted to marry a virgin.

Is he your first lover?

Ijeoma: Yes.

Why? You had gone through secondary school, the university and then went for national youth service..

Ijeoma: I just think it is God.  I gave my life to Christ when I was in Junior Secondary School.    Another thing was that I am a very shy person. I dreaded the thought of going to bed with a man, telling myself that I may not be able to face him in the morning.  I had male friends but our relationships did not last more than one month because along the line, the man would want intimacy as a proof of love. Then, our fellowship coordinator always cautioned us to keep ourselves pure.  He would tell us that if we disobeyed God, we would get pregnant.  Somebody else also told me that if a man married me as a virgin, he would appreciate me so much and give me whatever I wanted.

Was it after the wedding that you had sex with him for the first time?

Ijeoma: Yes. It was three days after the wedding because I was too scared.   But on a Monday, my husband said, 'we can't continue like this.  I have paid and have done everything.'

Holy Mallam: It was a very big wedding. Over 1000 guests attended and I was too tired on the night of the wedding to do anything. That was a good excuse for her.

Did you have to read about how to deflower a lady?

Holy mallam: No.

Ijeoma:  I read it up on the internet and was able to guide him.

You are part Hausa and Yoruba, why did you marry an Igbo lady?

Holy Mallam: My mother is from Niger State but she was born and brought up in Lagos and she speaks Yoruba fluently.   I love Nigeria and I have always loved Ibo soup. But that was not why I married her. I think our union was destined.


You have three children; did you plan for the number?

Ijeoma: Before we got married, we had decided to have three children but when the second child came and we realised it was a boy, we changed our minds and decided to stop having children.

Holy Mallam: We had an agreement with God that we were going to have three children. Our first was a girl and then, we had a boy. When the boy came, we decided to play smart and stop. Then, my wife was working on her weight. In fact, I spent a lot of money on that and I always took her to Victoria Garden City, where the gym is and I spent over two hundred thousand naira and the results were amazing.

Ijeoma:  I got the ideal weight I desired but suddenly found out that I was pregnant again! I cried but we thank God the boy came. He just completes the family.

How do you hang out as a couple away from the kids?

Ijeoma: Before the kids came, we were inseparable. Now, we try to carve out time to be together because my love language is spending quality time together.

Holy Mallam: We were always together, even when she was pregnant with the first child.

As a marriage counsellor, what impact does that have on your marriage?

Ijeoma: It has helped a lot because I was naive of so many things. Being the first child of the family, my position has always been that of a leader and it affected the way I related with my husband. I was manifesting some controlling tendencies unintentionally but God called me to order.

 Holy Mallam:  We have a monthly programme for couples. I am usually part of her audience and whenever she speaks during those seminars, the familiarity that exists between us as a couple disappears. I pay attention to her as if she was somebody else. I learn a lot during those gatherings and what I learn, I try to practise at home.

What will happen if you discover your husband has cheated on you?

Ijeoma: I don't know if he would ever cheat because I am free with his phone.    One day, when I asked him to tell me what would prevent him from cheating on me, he just said, 'the fact that I fear God.' That settled the matter for me.   I always tell God to keep him for me and I would be foolish to assume that it can never happen. The devil is out for Christians.  He does not go to club houses and he does not drink. He may not meet some of those girls but what about the ones inside the church?

Holy Mallam: There is no superman anywhere. Anything that we want to achieve can only be made possible by the grace of God. I meet a lot of ladies, some even ask me to sign autographs on their breasts. As a Christian, I don't respond to such gestures.   I always carry my wife on my mind. I know that I will always go home to her at the end of the day.

What pet name do you have for each other?

Ijeoma: Honey.

Holy Mallam: The children call me 'honey' and call her mummy.

Patriarchy and Male Privilege - How Do These Impact Your Life?

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 08:03 AM PDT


Patriarchy (rule by fathers) is a social system in which the male is the primary authority figure central to social organization and the central roles of political leadership, moral authority, and control of property, and where fathers hold authority over women and children. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege, and entails female subordination.

Male Privilege refers to the social theory which argues that men have unearned social, economic, and political advantages or rights that are granted to them solely on the basis of their sex, and which are usually denied to women.

Patriarchy is probably one of the biggest contention points of feminism today. Let me start by saying the difference between patriarchy and male privileges is that one(male privilege) is simply as a result of the other(patriarchy).

Here are some of the benefits of being born in a patriarchal society (some written by Peggy McIntosh):

1. Odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in the man's favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.
2. He can be confident that his co-workers won't think he got the job because of his sex – even though that might be true.
3. He is far less likely to face intimate harassment at work than his female co-workers are.
4. If he does the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think he did a better job.
5. The odds of being Molested are relatively low.
6. If he chooses not to have children, his masculinity will not be called into question.
7. If he has children and provide primary care for them, he'll be praised for extraordinary parenting if I'm even marginally competent.
8. If he has children and a career, no one will think he is selfish for not staying at home.
9. Chances are the male child was encouraged to be more active and outgoing than his sisters.
10. As a child, he could choose from an almost infinite variety of children's media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of his own sex. He never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.
11. If he is careless with my driving it won't be attributed to his sex.
12. Even if he sleeps with a lot of women, there is no chance that he would be seriously labeled a "slut," nor is there any male counterpart to "slut-bashing."
13. He does not have to worry about the message his wardrobe sends about his intimate availability.
14. If he'm not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.
15. He can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. He can be aggressive with no fear of being called a Naughty Lady.
16. His ability to make important decisions and his capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.
17. He will never be expected to change his name upon marriage or questioned if he doesn't change his name.
"My husband keeps his name and I keep mine – this is held as a statement of superiority on my part".
"Keeping my last name is emasculating" to a man, but the society never bothers to question how a woman might feel being asked to give up something that has been part of her since her birth". This is an example of a culture of male privilege — where a man's position and feelings are placed above that of the woman's in a way that is seen as normal, natural, and traditional.
18. Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of the opposite sex(males). Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.
19. Most major religions argue that he should be the head of my household, while his wife and children should be subservient to me.
20. If he has children with his wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of them needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are it will be assumed that the career sacrificed should be hers.
21. Complete strangers generally do not walk up to him on the street and tell him to "smile."


What are your thoughts on the male privilege?? What are your thoughts on male vs female privileges?? What are your counter arguments??

___________

There is an interesting discussion about this article on Nairaland and decided to bring it here for us to jaw jaw too. Men, please I'll love to hear from you on this topic.

[Web Series] Waiting... Episode 4

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 10:09 AM PDT


It was about 5pm that evening and I just wanted to get home since I knew that Kola wouldn't be able to get to me there because my security was on the lookout for him. I got into my car and started driving home, didn't even stop to buy dinner, indomie was just going to have to do for that night. I quickly scanned the street before I entered my building's garage space to see if Kola was waiting for me and I didn't see him or his car.

As I entered the lobby through the door from the garage, the first thing I heard was Kola voice and I started shouting, "Kola please I don't want to be friends, you cheated on me and I don't want to see you" I didn't even have to say anything to the security before they escorted him out. He was shouting and yelling that I was a crazy bitch and he would have me arrested; He also called me all sorts of name without knowing that he was digging a bigger hole for himself.
I was a little shaken up with the threat of arresting me but I had my story straight and even if he was able to get his money back, I won't get into trouble for it. I was certain of that.

Wednesday morning, I got to work and was on the phone with Tayo walking into my building when I saw Kola in the lobby.
"Let me call you back, Kola is here" I said to Tayo.
"No leave the phone on let me hear the idiot beg you." I'd have to jist her anyways so I decided to oblige her.
"Kola what do you want? Haven't you done enough, I don't want to be with you anymore." I made sure I was loud enough for the door man to hear me just in case he became a witness.
"Dara, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You think this is funny, you better get my money back to me before I have you arrested"
"Arrested? You're a bastard Kola and I pray you remain miserable for the rest of your life. Did you forget that I was your girlfriend while you were proposing to your girlfriend of 5 years? You're mad, go and bring the cops now."
"So fuck what Dara, are you the first woman to be cheated on? That does not give you a right to steal from me. You get over that shit on your own."
I walk away from where people would be able to hear us, hung up my phone and looked over at his phone to make sure no one was on the line.

"What do you mean steal; did you not see the email you sent me on Monday at 10:28 pm? I picked my boyfriend up from the airport, took him home, confronted him about getting engaged to another woman and he confessed that he loved me but he loved her more and would do anything to make sure this didn'tt get to her which was why he gave me the money. You transferred the money to my account right there to show me how serious you were about the agreement. Then I went to dinner with my friends and cried to them which I'm sure our waiter will testify to then you sent me an email later that evening reminding me that the money was to shut me up and that it was a binding contract so what do you mean steal? Then you came to my house to beg me not to leave you and now my job.
"Are you freaking kidding me Dara, I swear you won't get away with this." He took a minute to digest everything I said and I think for a second, he believed me. "You won't get away with this Dara, I promise you" He walked away and I went to work feeling more scared and less confident than I was the day before. The gravity of what I did suddenly hit me and I asked the girls to lunch to talk about it.

By Friday, a BOA fraud rep called me to ask about the money that was transferred to me by a Kola Adeosun and I told her exactly what I had described to Kola earlier that week. She asked if I there was a possibility that he was joking, I replied no that even if I thought he was joking, then the email convinced me otherwise since he emphasized that it was a binding contract. She thanked me, asked me to fax the email I received and the one I sent and told me they would keep in touch if they needed me for anything else. I asked if I would have to return the money to Kola since he gave the money to me and she said after the investigation was complete, they would decide if Kola got his money back and if they refunded him, I would owe them the money.

Two weeks went by and no word from Bank of America or Kola but I made sure I didn't spend the money just in case. I went about my life, stalking Kola's Instagram page to see what he was up to and stalking his fiancée's Facebook page. After a month, Kola must have realized that he wasn't getting the money back because he started calling leaving messages and emailing to beg me to forgive him and return the money. I didn't respond to any of the emails, I didn't need to because I knew I had won. This didn't stop me from crying for another month over my broken heart but I got over it faster than I would have if I wasn't ten thousand dollars richer.

_____________

Hi, I'm Moriam. I'm curious and I love cooking. I also like to write short stories. If you haven't check out Part one and two of Love's Pain. If you love recipes, check out my blog too.

Two Nigerian Journalists Emerge Winners at the CNN/MultiChoice Awards

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 10:10 AM PDT

Toyosi Ogunseye in 2011

Oluwatoyosi Ogunseye and Tolu Ogunlesi have won in a couple of the categories in this year's CNN/MultiChoice African Journalist of the Year awards. Toyosi Ogunseye, Sunday Punch Editor, won the Environment prize, and Tolu Ogunlesi , a freelance journalist with Ventures Africa won the Economy and Business reporting prize.

Oluwatoyosi Ogunseye, had previously won in another category of the awards in 2011 when she took home the MSD Health and Medical Award, for a story about the LUTH's Ransome-Kuti's Children's Centre. Tolu Ogunlesi also won the 2009 CNN Multichoice Arts and Culture Journalism Award as a contributing editor in Glide Magazine, Nigeria, for his story, 'What the Truck?

Congrats to the two writers!

Kunle Afolayan, Monalisa, Empress Njamah, Uche Jombo, Emem Isong at the Nollywood Movie Awards

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 10:51 AM PDT


Kunle Afolayan's Phone Swap won the awards for Best Movie, Best Original Screenplay and Top Box Office at the Nollywood Movie Awards. The versatile actor/producer/director was present at the ceremony as were other winners, nominees, and many in the nollywood sector. Photos below...

Magazine Covers - Oluchi on StyleMania

Posted: 14 Oct 2013 01:00 AM PDT


Oluchi, the brain behind Africa's Next Top Model covers the October edition of StyleMania with the caption "Africa's Top Role Model". In the interview for the cover, Oluchi shares her experience bringing that franchise to Africa and being a role model. Great stuff.
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